


go for the knockout

by neonheartbeat



Series: Filled Prompts [7]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Ben Swolo, Crack, Gen, How Do I Tag, Hux Has No Chill, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Tumblr Prompt, Wrestling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 12:25:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16137203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonheartbeat/pseuds/neonheartbeat
Summary: Ben Swolo and Captain Phasma are two of GWE's finest wrestlers, and their team, the First Order, is finally clashing with the underdogs, the Resistance, made up of Poe "The Mouth" Dameron and Rey, the ScAVENGER. Will the First Order win? Will superfan Finn make it through a match without passing out? Did I write this with a bag on my head so I didn't have to look at my own shame? The answer to two of those questions is "no".Featuring: Poe in tight pants, ridiculous descriptions of Ben Swolo's chest, Rose as the exasperated girlfriend constantly coming with Finn to matches, Hux flinging chairs, the author drinking to get through this, and a SWOLO...SCORNED!





	go for the knockout

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank whoever sent me this prompt on tumblr "sw crack where kylo ren is a bodybuilder/pro wrestler and his stage name is Ben Swolo" and also everyone who popped into my instagram live today to offer advice and hilarious ideas for this fic (and who knew FAR more about wrestling than me), specifically Jenn, Greg, Mini, Vitor, Sasha, and Jason. You're all golden, and I love you, and I laughed my ass off. Thank you.

"Mr. Swolo," shouted Maz Kanata, the diminutive reporter from HoloNet News, waving a microphone into the man's face. "What is your strategy to win this match with the Resistance?"

Ben "Swolo" Solo glared into the face of his opponent, the ScAVENGER, never taking his eyes off her face. "I can't talk about my strategy," he said angrily, glaring at her. "But just know that strength and talent beats out a scrawny rat every time."

The crowd booed and hissed. There were some cheers. Maz swiveled and pushed her mic into the woman's personal space. "Rey, a lot of harsh words have been said about you by your opponent, Ben Swolo. How do you plan on making him eat those words?"

"Just like I'd make a kid take his medicine!" shouted Rey, baring her teeth. "I'll cram them down his throat!"

The crowd cheered and screamed. The ScAVENGER was a fan favorite, along with her team, the Resistance, consisting of her and her teammate, Poe "The Mouth" Dameron. Ben made a sharp movement as if to go at her right there in front of all the cameras and everybody, but Luke, the referee, pushed him back with only one hand. "Chill out, man," he said, the picture of zen with his beard and long hair, like a hippie high off his balls. "Save it for the ring."

"You can't tell me what to DO," roared Ben Swolo, but acquiesced, shuffling all 220 pounds of him off the floor and behind his manager. Armitage Hux was a weasel-like, shifty bastard; 150 pounds soaking wet, with bright ginger hair and a crooked pale nose that had been broken a dozen times. "I'll see you in the ring!" Ben shouted, and his partner, Captain Phasma, a giant of a woman with close-cropped blond hair and a sneer on her face, nodded in agreement.  

Rey stuck her tongue out and wiggled her fingers in her ears, and the crowd laughed. Behind the line of photographers and cameramen, Finn, a super-fan who came to every single Resistance match, fainted out of sheer excitement, as he did almost every match. He was just so enamored of Rey and her biceps. And also of Poe. But everyone was pretty enamored of The Mouth.

The teams both crammed themselves into their respective locker rooms to change after the reporters had finally shut up and let them be. Rey squeezed into her brown crop top, bedazzled short shorts, arm warmers, fishnets, and leg warmers, slapping eye black on and tying her hair into a bun, then fixing it in place with a pound of hairspray. "Poe, finish getting your outfit on," she said, exasperated.

Poe flexed. He was wearing only a pair of tight, short orange pants, black boots, and white arm warmers. "This IS my outfit," he said.

"Oh, right," said Rey.

"On stage in five!" shouted their manager, Leia. She carried her French bulldog under one arm and stomped a cigarette out on the ground under her shoe. "Get out there and do me proud!"

Rey and Poe raced past her and got behind the door, waiting for their cue.

The announcer boomed through the speakers. "IN A RING, A LONG, LONG TIME AGO, IN A RUMMMMMMMMMBLE FAR FAR AWAY…." The crowd started screaming and hooting and hollering all at once. Rey hoped their superfan Finn had not passed out again. "….THERE WERE TWO FORCES FIGHTING FOR CONTROL OF THE RING! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GIVE IT UP FOR THE FIRST…….ORDERRRRRRR! CAPTAIN PHAAAASMA AND BENNNNNNN SWOOOOLOOOOO!"

The crowd shouted and booed and hissed. Rey peeked through the crack in their door, and caught a glimpse of Phasma's shining silver leotard and red cape as she strutted around, flagging to her fans and her face as people screamed and booed and cheered her on, drawing from the galactic supply of energy coursing through their veins.  Behind her was Ben Swolo, baby oil gleaming off his billboard-sized pecs above his high-waisted leather pants. 

"AND NOW….THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! PLEASE WELCOME……..THE RESISTAAAAAANCE!"

The doors slid open and Poe and Rey raced out, waving and flexing and generally making faces to get their audience riled up. Enormous cheers filled the stadium. Rey got into her corner and slapped Poe on the back. "You take the big guy," she said. "Tag me in when you're done."

"You got it," he said, and turned to face Ben, flipping his hair back as the announcer proclaimed, "And here he is, folks, the hottest wrestler in the stadium…" The First Order fans all booed at that moniker, waving their signs that read "BEN SWOLO IS LIFE" and scowling. "…POE….'THE MOUTH'….. DAAAAMERON…."

Poe lifted his head and bit his lip, grinning and lowering his eyelids as he ruffled his hair. Several women and men in the front rows shrieked and clutched their chests. One of the reporters noticed a familiar face sliding down and disappearing behind a peeved-looking woman with black hair.

"I see in the stands we have Resistance superfan Finn, fainting again because of The Mouth and using his girlfriend Rose as a pillow. When it is gonna stop? Can anyone find another man this sexy? The First Order girls down there seem to think Ben Swolo is a contender, but I just don't see it. Back to you, Bob."

Back in the ring, Poe got into his corner opposite Ben Swolo. "You're going down, big guy!" he shouted.

Ben smirked and crouched into a stance, his torso taking up half the ring. "Fat chance," he said angrily.

"AND HIS PARTNER, THE SCAAAAVENGERRRRR!"

Rey raised her arms over her head and soaked up the wild cheering as she circled the ring, mean-mugged at Ben to more cheers, and took her place behind Poe, just out of the ring. She went over the plot again. Ben would beat Finn, she would tag in and beat Ben, and Phasma would beat her. Phasma usually won, but the Resistance was a lot more popular than the First Order. Crowds loved an underdog.

Luke climbed over the ropes and stood there as the CEO of the Galactic Wrestling Entertainment, Mr. Snoke, grabbed the mic and let loose with a scathing speech about how such a team match had never been seen in the history of ever, and the crowd ate it up, even though he was a heel. Rey leaned on the ropes and adjusted her arm warmers. Sure, it was all scripted, but her team had a few not-so-scripted feelings about their manager's son deciding to switch to another team under their noses. _Goddamn traitor,_ she thought, glaring at Ben from across the ring. God, his chest was huge. You could land a plane on his torso. She swore he got wider every time she looked at him. 

"And ladies and gentlemen," Snoke was saying, "Tonight you'll be treated to a show where Captain Phasma might just fight The Mouth…" The crowd gasped . "Or Swolo might fight the ScAVENGER! That's right, this is a no holds barred, free for all, right here on this ring! Winner of each match fights the other team member!"

The crowd exploded. Rey bounced on the balls of her feet.

Before she knew it, Luke was talking to both fighters, then backing up, and Poe and Ben were at it as the crowd screamed and hollered. Of course it was all choreographed, but Ben was enormous, a bodybuilder. Poe was a wiry dude, but no match for Ben's size, even if the whole fight hadn't been faker than a pair of mail-order dentures. They couldn't make every fight _that_ unrealistic.

For the grand finale, Ben lifted Poe up, Poe's legs on his shoulders, and slammed him down to the floor of the ring as the crowd screamed and booed. Hux was throwing folding chairs into the ring. "POWERBOOOOMB," yelled the announcer as Poe flopped around on the floor pretending like he was dying. "THE MOUTH IS DOWN! I REPEAT, THE MOUTH…IS…..DOWN!! AND WE HAVE A FAN RUSHING THE RING, FOLKS! LOOK AT HIM GO!"

Rey turned in bewilderment. Finn, the ever-present Resistance superfan, had recovered enough to be absolutely outraged at Ben powerbombing Finn to the ring's floor, and was trying to climb the ropes. The crowd cheered him on as he shook his fist and bellowed "DIIIIIIICK" at Ben, only to be dragged off by Rose, his girlfriend. "BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, FINN," boomed the announcer, and Finn shouted something inaudible back before letting Rose yank him back up to his seat again.

Rey leaped over the ropes in a graceful arc and landed by Poe, dragging him dramatically off the ring. "I got this!" she shouted, and turned to make a face at Ben, who was circling the ropes and shouting at the crowd, pounding on his chest like a gorilla. "Hey, pick on someone your own size, Swolo!" she bellowed.

The crowd cheered as Ben turned on her, the light gleaming off his body so brightly Rey almost had to shield her eyes from the glare. "I would if I could find one!" he shouted back, and the audience ate it up. "Where's the rest of you, ScAVENGER?"

Rey advanced and pointed at his chest. He looked down, and she flipped her finger up and tweaked his enormous nose. The crowd exploded into laughter as she danced away and Ben clutched his face, hollering through his hands like a banshee. Rey put her hands on her hips from a safe distance. "If you're fast enough, maybe you'll beat me!" Her specialty was gymnastics, and her moves were quick and light and faster than a mouse.

"FOLKS, THE SCAVENGER HAS ISSUED A CHALLENGE!" the announcer yelled. "AND BEN SWOLO IS GOING FOR IT—OH  MY _GOD_ , SHE'S ON HIS BACK!" For Rey was indeed, with a few quick leaps and a stealthy hoist from Ben, perched atop the massive shoulders, pulling on his hair as he staggered from side to side across the ring. The crowd lost their shit. "FOLKS, THIS IS INSANE! THIS IS OUT OF THIS WORLD!"

Hux was shrieking and throwing chairs again. Luke, theatrically distracted, had his back to the ring while he shook his finger at the manager. The crowd screamed and pointed and shouted as Rey and Ben tangled again, Rey forcing him down on his knees, then wrapping her arms around his neck and straining against him, pretending to choke him out as her elbows slipped around in the baby oil on his chest.

Ben surged up and flung her off him, and she ducked into a roll and came up standing. "Eat this!" he yelled, and snatched up a chair that Hux had thrown, whacking her across the torso with it. She dodged it and jumped back up as the audience went nuts and Ben's momentum threw him forward, stumbling.

Rey backed up for her finale, and charged Ben head-on, her shoulder driving into his hard stomach. He flipped himself backward and landed flat on his back, acting as if he'd been knocked out, and the crowd screamed as Luke raised a hand and signaled she had won the match.

Ben crawled back to the ropes and tagged in Phasma, and the crowd roared as she entered the ring, smirking at Rey. "What was that about someone your own size?" she called, and the audience booed.

"Do I look like Bigfoot to you?" Rey retorted, and barely heard Phasma's response over the ensuing commotion. The leotard and boots she wore looked ridiculous in comparison to her heavily muscled frame. "Come on, then!"

Phasma lunged and they engaged in a series of choreographed stunts involving more breakaway chairs and Rey tearing off Phasma's cape and wrapping it around her head to blind her while she pretended to kick her in the stomach. "Go for the knockout," she hissed behind the satiny thing as Rey sat on her stomach and pretended to choke her.

"What?" Rey hissed through her teeth.

"The knockout! Beat me! Everyone expects me to win, throw them for a curve!"

"Snoke's gonna kill us!"

"We'll handle that! Just do it! The crowd will love it!"

Rey yelled and pretended to get launched off Phasma's torso as the other woman pushed her to the side. "You'll never take down the ScAVENGER!" she shouted, gearing up for the knockout punch. The crowd was eating it up, shouting in their seats. The First Order fans were still down in their spit, screaming "PHAS-MA, PHAS-MA!"

"You're fast, little girl, but not fast enough to beat Phasma!" Phasma kicked herself back onto her feet and ripped the cape off her face. "Come on, then!"

Rey judged her distance and Phasma charged, and Rey swung her fist hard, misjudging the distance and beaning the other woman right in the nose. Phasma gurgled and went down hard, and Rey wasn't sure how much of it was acting, but the crowd lost their minds. The cheering and screaming was deafening. Luke grabbed Rey's hand and flung it into the air, and Snoke crawled over the ropes, fury on his wrinkly face.

"My girl is bleeding!" he roared.

Ben shouldered up to block Snoke from going after Rey, and the crowd collectively _ooooh-_ ed. "Hey, she won that fight fair and square," he said, his muscles gleaming in the spotlights as his giant chest effectively blocked Rey's vision.

"You stay out of this!" Snoke shook his finger at Ben.

"FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT," chanted the crowd.

"FOLKS, IT LOOKS LIKE MR. SNOKE IS CALLING UP HIS SECURITY TO THE STAGE. THERE'S GOING TO BE A SCUFFLE, AND IT'S NOT GONNA BE PRETTY! WILL THIS EVER END?"

Snoke's eight bodyguards, in their red velour sweatsuits, jumped the ropes and crowded the stage, cracking their knuckles menacingly. Rey watched as Hux used all his body strength to drag Phasma out of the ring, and she had just enough time to take a fighting stance before Ben picked up one of the breakaway chairs and slammed it down over Snoke's head. The man staggered and Ben picked him up across his massive shoulders as the crowd cheered and screamed his name, then flung him over the ropes and onto a table, which smashed in half as Snoke's body plummeted straight through it and disappeared.

"OHHHH, IT'S OOONNNNNN," bellowed the announcer, and Rey used Ben as a ladder to climb up before she tackled two of the guards to the ground in an all-out melee. Poe was screaming from behind the ropes. Leia had even emerged from the backstage area to shriek and gape, her bulldog tucked under her arm and a lit cigarette in the other hand. Luke just stood outside the arena scratching his beard in bewilderment. Hux was racing around the base of the arena like a squirrel on methamphetamines, his face almost as red as his hair, acting the hype man as the crowd screamed and cheered.

Ben flung one guy directly into the air before he came back down, bouncing on the floor. He squatted and Rey ran up his back, leaping off him to wrap her legs around another bodyguard's throat and take him down, and they both tackled the last guy standing before they stood up and the crowd roared into a standing ovation, shouting and screaming.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M SEEING FOLKS, IT LOOKS LIKE SWOLO AND THE SCAVENGER HAVE TEAMED UP!!! SNOKE IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT! WHAT A NIGHT!" The announcer was shrieking, losing it as Ben grabbed Rey's hand and raised it high to more cheers and applause from the spectators.

"Rey," he said, and turned toward her. She was well aware of the mics over their heads, and raised an eyebrow. "I want you to join my faction."

"OOOOOOHHHH," gasped the crowd, and waited with bated breath to see what Rey would do.

"In your dreams!" she yelled, and pushed him aside, heading for Luke and the wide belt that declared her winner of the match. "You'll have to beat me in the ring first, Swolo!"

The crowd cheered again, and Ben pouted angrily, shaking his fist as he was pulled off the ropes by Hux and Phasma (who was fine, by the way, just had a bloody nose).

"FOR THE RESISTANCE!" Rey shouted, holding the belt high, and Poe took the other end of it and waved it around to huge applause, then hugged her tight as they hurried off the stage.

"I really thought you might leave us there for a second," he said in the locker room as they changed.

"Are you kidding? Absolutely not." Rey itched her scalp, the hairspray flaking loose. "Ahhhh. Did they seriously plan all that?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm sure some of the fans are going to fucking hate it, though. Can't please everyone." Poe shrugged, and would have looked directly at the camera, if there had been a camera.

"Your checks are here," said Leia, appearing in the door. "Good job tonight, you two. Should have given my idiot kid the bloody nose, though."

"Sorry, Miss Leia," said Rey with a smile. "Next fight. Promise."

"I'll hold you to that. Get outta here and be on time for practice tomorrow." Leia gave her bulldog a smooch (he appeared to be asleep, and did not react) and looked around. "Oh, and you have a fan outside the door. Wants autographs. Finn, again."

"Aw, I love him," Rey said, smiling. "Let's go say hi. And don't wink at him, Poe, he might actually die of a heart attack this time. Come on."


End file.
